Jokes

[oldspice]

Come on everybody, let's liven up this forum.

 

Patient: "Doctor, I can't stop singing the green, green grass of home"

 

Doctor: "I think you've got Tom Jones syndrome"

 

Patient: "Is it common?"

 

Doctor: "It's not unusual"

[naxos]

"Doctor, I think I have a problem with my hearing"

"What are the symptoms?"

"A yellow cartoon family on TV"

[oldspice]

 

Man goes to the vet with his dog who weighs ten stones.

 

Man:  "My dog is cross-eyed"

 

Vet: "Put him on my lap and I'll examine his eyes"

 

Man puts dog on vet's lap and vet examines dog's eyes.

 

Vet: "It's no good, I'll have to put him down"

 

Man: "Put him down? Why, because he's cross-eyed??"

 

Vet: "No, because he's bloody heavy".

[smurfboy]

A man is walking down the street when he accidentally bumps into a woman, knocking out her glass eye. Luckily, he grabs it before it falls to the floor and smashes. The woman is so grateful that she insists on taking the man to dinner. One thing leads to another and by the end of the evening, they're curled up in bed.
'Do you do this for every man you meet?' jokes the man.
The woman replies, 'only the ones who really catch my eye'.

[oldspice]

Two aerials meet on a roof and fall in love. they get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

 

 

I bought some Hp sauce yesterday.  It's costing 6p a month for two years.

[smurfboy]

A bored man wonders off in a department store while his wife is shopping. Suddenly he realises he can't remember where he left her and starts looking around in a panic. Then he spots another man in a similar state.

'Are you lost too?' he asks him.
'Yes, I can't find my wife!' the second man replies.
'Me neither', says the first man. 'Let's look together. What does your wife look like?'
'Well, she's about 5ft 10 with long blonde hair and a 32DD bust', says the second man. 'What does yours look like?'
'Screw her', says the first man, 'let's just look for yours!'

[loulou]

  

What has a Priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?



They both have black coats, white collars and God help your backside if you get a dodgy one!!!

 

I bought some Hp sauce yesterday. It's costing 6p a month for two years.

Mr Smith goes on a business trip to Blackpool and checks in to a Hotel.  In the morning he comes down for breakfast.  The landlady tells him of all the full breakfast selection but Mr Smith just wants a plate of baked beans.  'Just beans?', says the landlady.  'Yes please I love em', replies Smith.

The next morning after a busy day at the seminar he has the same thing again, just a big plate of baked beans.  Later that day the police come to the hotel and inform the landlady that a Mr Smith has jumped from Blackpool tower to his death. 'Was he feeling depressed at all', asked the policeman.

'No, in fact he was full of beans!'

[oldspice]

When I got home, the wife said "Sorry darling, but the cat has eaten your dinner"

"That's all right" I said "I'll get you another cat".

 

 

Q.  How many Sixth form Schoolgirls does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. 7bounty hunter2007-08-30 19:58:44

[bluekitty]

Barrymore was found dead yesterday with chocolate around his arsehole.  Police arrested George Michael for being careless with his wispa.

[wjp666]

A blonde was given an opportunity to fly for the first time. Having never been on an airplane before, she was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat, and shouting, ''Boeing! Boeing!! Boeing!!! Bo...''

She caused such a ruckus the pilot, all the way up in the cockpit, overheard. Annoyed by the goings-on, the pilot came out and shouted, ''Be silent!''

There was pin-drop silence throughout the cabin as everybody looked at the blonde and the angry pilot.

The blonde stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, resumed shouting, ''OEING! OEING! OEING! OE.... ''wjp6662007-09-05 00:20:12

[smurfboy]

A blonde is walking alongside a riverbank when she spots an ice cream van on the other side of the river. Although she's right by a bridge, she hasn't seen it and doesn't know how to get across. Just then she spots another blonde by the van.
'Yoohoo!' she calls. 'How do I get to the other side?'
The second blonde rolls her eyes and says 'you silly thing - you are on the other side!'