not had a JOKE post in a while...

[minty]

.minty38937.474375

[goldencup]

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want an ordinary pet - no cats, dogs, budgies, I want something really different."
The owner tells him that he has a talking centipede.
"Seriously?"
"Absolutely. You can bring it back if it doesn't talk"
"How much is it?"
"£200"
"OK, but it had better talk or I'll be back!"

And off the man goes with his centipede in a little box. On getting home he opens the box on the table, and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede says nothing. Thinking it might be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede again says nothing.

Now very suspicious, the man decides he will give it one more hour. If the centipede doesn't talk he'll take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede gives him a withering look and says "I heard you the first time! I'm just putting my shoes on!"

[smurfboy]

A woman is wondering what to buy her boyfriend for his birthday. Her mother suggests taking him to a concert, so she tries to get a few hints on the sort of show he'd like. When she gets to the theatre, there are two shows on: Jackass live, and Westlife in concert. Based on what her boyfriend has said, she gets ticket for Westlife, and puts a note in hid birthday card saying to meet her at the theatre for his surprise.

The man arrives and is delighted to see what's on. 'That's fantastic? How did you know I wanted to see Jackass?'

His girlfriend's face falls. 'But I've bought tickets for Westlife! You said you fancied seeing that show!'

The boyfriend is confused, until realisation hits him. 'No', he says, 'I said I wanted to see the show with the nauseating STUNTS!'

[oldspice]

[wjp666]

Q. How many women with PMT does it take to change a lightbulb?

A.  DOES IT MATTER???!!!!!!!!!

[wjp666]

[wjp666]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time."

"And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"

[Forth Bridges]

easter egg was hit by a truck 62305838771.9398726852

[EASTEREGG]

easter egg was hit by a truck

easter egg was hit by a truck

[wjp666]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[loulou]

  

[wjp666]

an oldie...

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

[goldencup]

[babygirl]

Man walks into a bar.....

Ouch

Lame but a classic!!