Two friends meet each other in the park,
First friend: hi, where have you been?
Second friend: i just came from the cemetary, i've burried my mother in law.
First friend: oh deer, i'm sorry to hear that, but why have you got scratches all over your face?
Second friend: (puffs) it wasn't easy, she put up a real fight!
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Reasons Why Windows Is Not A Virus
1. Viruses are free.
2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.
3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.
4. Viruses don't have major bugs.
5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.
6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.
7. Viruses aren't on every computer.
8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32...
9. Viruses install themselves !
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MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
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I know i said ''i'm telling no more jokes after my last one'' but i thnink you ough to hear this one
A lady goes to the vets with a limp duck, the vet examines the duck, and sadly says ''it's dead'' ''What do you mean it's dead, are you sure?'' the lady asks, the vet walks out of the room, only to return with a young labrador, the dog jumps up on the table, sniffs the duck, and looks sadly at the vet, ''it's dead i tell you'' the vet said, ''but how sure are you?'' the lady asks, the vet leaves the room, and brings back a cat, he sets the cat on the table, the cat sniffs the duck, and meaows very sadly, convinced the duck is dead, the lady asks for her bill, ''£500'' the vets says, ''what?'' the lady asks gobsmacked, ''well...'' the vet says, ''...if you had of listened to me, it would have only been £50, the rest of the charge goes to the lab results and the cat scan!'' 
